Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
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Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Hmm, not sure about this change
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
this will hang in the louvre one day
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary