Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
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I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Brands during Pride
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”