Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

Why didn’t I go pee earlier.

– My tombstone

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait