Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
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Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting