Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
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A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
decorating my apartment
sry
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I saw nothing
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄