Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

“He be dead.”

Who? Your English teacher?

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.

God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

This is my cat’s medicine.

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.