Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

“Huge”.

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass