Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
![]()
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers