Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
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Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.