Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
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pictures of spider-man
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
just make the entire table out of coaster
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth