Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
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“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?