Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.

I love being a postman.

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!