Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
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this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
No point crayon over spilled milk.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
