Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
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[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet