Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.