Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

Seems a bit forward