Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
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Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
The real reason evolution started..😂
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!