Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

finally

They’re stuck in your pants?

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real