How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
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You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
(reads about how guys who say girls don’t need makeup are bad)
me to my crush: hey girl you need lots of makeup. more than any girl in the whole world
ME: 50 Cent has to clone himself to be able to go to the Dollar Store.
DATE: Do you ever listen to yourself
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Yes kids, Daddy does have a favorite and you’ll find out which one of you it is when my will is read.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus