amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
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Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.