Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
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Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Wikigenius
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself