Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

How it started: How it’s going:

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.