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Solving a traffic jam
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I love dogs with human names because you get to say things like Greg pooped on the rug again.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
My dog ate my work from home.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Bringing home a sharpie
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?