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Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money