Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I need to get this framed

optometrist: just say you need glasses

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

The Eggorcist

I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”