Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

i baked you a cake

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

Based Erika

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.