Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…

… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash

JERY: crypto?

GERGE: crypto

JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!

GERG: I did! but then it dipped again

JERY: it double dipped?

GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special

meowth: hey

team rocket: we need it

meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk

team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do

Meowth: guys

team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

Morning.

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs