Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
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date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I wish this was real life…
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool