Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

Received some very disappointing news today

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

Scream sneezers need love too.

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.