@DrakeGatsby

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

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@Turn2Dude

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

@just1fool

“Do you wanna build a snowman?”

“Sir, this is a Build a Bear shop.”

*Pulls out carrot

“Oh, you brought a carrot. Sure, whatever.”

@ArtConDee

Can you just bear with me for a moment? *grabs salmon out of stream. bites head off. hibernates.*

@SuburbanSleuth

My daughter’s favorite past-time is implementing psychological warfare on my son. I let it slide because one day he’ll have a wife.

@Sarcasticsapien

I’m pretty sure that the guy who wrote about the Apocalypse was a meteorologist.

@EndhooS

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

@msbtx

Coworker: I like working with you. I feel like I can really talk to you

Me: I’m sorry I gave you that impression. That’s not correct