@DrakeGatsby

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

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@MandiAtRandom

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

@panmidwest

[texting gf across the table from me so the people we’re making fun of won’t hear]

HER: hahaha
ME: i can see you & you did not laugh at all

@sixfootcandy

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

@ABurgerADay

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

@david8hughes

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

@sad_tree

*sees guy ordering pizza*
“With onion”
(Ok)
“Sausage”
(Nice)
“Mushroom”
(Hell yea)
“Chk”
(Plz)
“Meatballs”
(Why)
“Anchovies”
(Ur dead to me)

@gabbybendel

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

@citizenkawala

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

@RdrJay47

A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos.