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I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
only 11 steps left
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.