Give this kid an A+
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Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
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Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
“Do you wanna build a snowman?”
“Sir, this is a Build a Bear shop.”
*Pulls out carrot
“Oh, you brought a carrot. Sure, whatever.”
Can you just bear with me for a moment? *grabs salmon out of stream. bites head off. hibernates.*
any yall looking to wake up with some organs missing
My daughter’s favorite past-time is implementing psychological warfare on my son. I let it slide because one day he’ll have a wife.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I’m pretty sure that the guy who wrote about the Apocalypse was a meteorologist.
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Coworker: I like working with you. I feel like I can really talk to you
Me: I’m sorry I gave you that impression. That’s not correct