Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

Good morning.

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.