Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

my astrological sign is a french fry

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

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