Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
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My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Grew big
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard