amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
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Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Pandas 🐼🖤
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.