amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
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[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Don’t snitch tag.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right