Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.

I love being a postman.

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

men what’s stopping you from looking like this