amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
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*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you