amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
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my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.