Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
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I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
bad news gang
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying