Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
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How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
White Castle for the Win
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things