Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth

EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*

ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.