Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
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[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put