Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
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Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving