Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
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I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it