Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
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You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet