Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
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Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.