Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
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[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava