Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

Important

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face