Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

Sounds like a real hoot.

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.