Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)