Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

It’s an epidemic…

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.