Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
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Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.