Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

*praying for world peace*
God:

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

*exercises sarcastically*

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

My dog: PLAY WITH ME!

Me: *grabs toy*

My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!