Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
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The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
Speak now or ever hold your peace