Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

HIP-STAR WARS:

Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

that wasn’t the question

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

Me if I was a dog