Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

Someone from the HOA came a-knockin’. They said something about the community pool needing upkeep. They were asking for donations.

So I handed them a sippy cup full of water.

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

scared to check what name she chose

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”

That’s not in the rules!

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.