Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

He a real one for that

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

dogs can find happiness so easily

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!