Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
You Might Also Like
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.