Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

A choir of Spring onions

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.

Can I tell her? Pleeease.

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard