Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

origin story of all Disney villains:

“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

“No way.” -Jose

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

This made me chuckle cuz mood

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain