Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.