Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
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Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
Good morning y’all ☀️
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.