Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

🤣✨#caturday

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.