Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.