Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

still the best tweet of the year by far

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane