Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

huge if true: the moon

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now

me: ok rank us

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is