Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

This cat wants you to take your pills

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3