Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.