Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

Better luck next time champ

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me

good work, detective

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

What do whales do on a date?

Net flicks and krill.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!

Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.