Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

mariah carrie

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.