Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
You Might Also Like
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
they split up moments later
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”