Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you

Frog purse.

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

This fish is cracking me up

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please

cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE

me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps