Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

I cannot stop laughing at this

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?