Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

Today’s Times

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!

Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.