Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
You Might Also Like
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.