Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

10: “What are we doing today?

Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”

10: “Then what are we going to do?”

Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

God: Come see this.

Angel: What is it?

God: It’s the human lifespan.

Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!

God: Fun right? Watch this.

Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?

God: I call it, 35.

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

fired