Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

Lunatics are gonna loon.

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?